Tuesday, December 16, my daughter turned twenty-six weeks old. Wednesday, December 17, she turned six months old. Either way you slice it, she is half a year old—and what a half-year it has been!
Half a year ago, I called my office to say I would not come in that day. I labored at home for nine hours, plus the hour and a half car-ride to the hospital. My husband, Tim and I had studied the Bradley Method in preparation for this day. At 6:53 PM, I gave birth to our daughter naturally and without medication. She weighed 6 lbs, 5 oz, and had a healthy little cry!
Half a year ago, I called my office to say I would not come in that day. I labored at home for nine hours, plus the hour and a half car-ride to the hospital. My husband, Tim and I had studied the Bradley Method in preparation for this day. At 6:53 PM, I gave birth to our daughter naturally and without medication. She weighed 6 lbs, 5 oz, and had a healthy little cry!
The nurses assessed Diana and returned her to me for breastfeeding. A few minutes later, a pediatrician entered the room and asked everyone else to leave. She sat down next to Tim and I and told us that while looking Diana over, she noticed several physical characteristics indicating that Diana has Down syndrome. She proceeded to tell us that Diana was otherwise perfectly healthy, that she was our daughter, and that a genetics counselor could tell us more.
We were shocked. We had refused prenatal genetic testing on the premise that we would be keeping our baby no matter what the tests showed. This was my first regret. I assumed that even having the testing indicated I would consider terminating the pregnancy. My obstetrician clarified that the testing is just to present the information to parents. Some parents do indeed terminate their pregnancies upon receiving a diagnosis of Down syndrome. Some parents decide to continue with the pregnancy but give their baby to be adopted. Some parents decide to carry the baby to term and raise it as best they can, preparing themselves before the child is born.
Testing does not mean you are pro-life or pro-choice. Testing is just testing. What you do with the results of the testing is up to you. I was 27, and wrongly assumed that only women over 35 had babies with DS. I experienced an almost completely symptom-free pregnancy; wouldn't I have mother's intuition if something was going to be wrong with my baby? I never smoked or drank, I ate well, slept well, and exercised. My baby should be perfectly normal and healthy. I was planning a natural birth—I knew what to do if my baby was breech, transverse, early, late, prolapsed cord, aspirated, tongue-tied, or cross-eyed. I was not ready to receive a child with a genetic defect.
Or was I? A baby born without Down syndrome needs food, a dry diaper, safety, warmth, and love. A baby born with Down syndrome needs food, a dry diaper, safety, warmth, and love. I needed to be reminded of this over and over in Diana's first months of life. I was constantly worried about her future: how would I react when she came home crying because someone made fun of her? Would people encourage her to work hard, or would they just assume she is limited? Can she play sports? How smart will she be? Can she ever obtain a driver's license? Is it ethical for us to let her date? Will she outlive us? If so, what will happen to her when Tim and I are gone?
We, like other parents when they discover their child has an intellectual or developmental disability, went through a period of mourning. We did not lose a baby so much as the future we had envisioned for her. Our child can still have an awesome (even inspiring!) life, but it may not be exactly as we had planned for her. Some of you have found this to be true in your own lives, even when your children do not have special needs. That is where keeping things in perspective is helpful for us.
Had we opted to have the blood draw to test for genetic abnormalities while I was still pregnant, we would have been able to experience this mourning before Diana was born. We would have been able to read about Down syndrome before our sleepless newborn nights. We would have been able to interview other parents and see that having a firstborn with Down syndrome did not keep them from having more children. We could look back on our daughter's birth as a joyful night of accomplishment—unclouded by worry, doubt, confusion, and fear.
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| Happy half-birthday, Diana! |
This article was published in the Special News column of the Linn County Leader, December 24, 2014.
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